What's Your Problem? - The Two-Second Psychologist gets to the heart of what ails ya.

You CAN believe it’s not butter and now think the government is coming to silence you to cover up their experiments.

You have an unwillingness to accept change. Remedy this by asking for notes only.

You believe that too much irony causes hemochromatosis.

My diagnosis: Smoke weed everyday.

You can’t stop thinking about the time you brutally murdered your secretary, you are now a paranoid schizophrenic.

You believe that you were birthed by a large cat.

I can’t render a diagnosis; you’re pathetic and wrong.

Your lack of self-worth stems from your parents naming you ‘thingy’.

You have nothing to fear except fear itself, and spiders.

The big toe on your right foot makes you feel uneasy, you should severe it.

You ride an elephantostrich one hour a day for a week. And also drink a glass of kangacow milk every day.

Pee on something your significant other loves. It works to make my cat feel better.

You live in constant fear of choking on lightbulbs.

Aortic Sparrows.

Your heart appears to be suffering from Brady-Bunch-cardia.

I’m afraid you’ve got a severe case of Basketball Jones.

This… is not a problem. WORLD HUNGER, is a problem.

Go get a bunch of ice cubes and start chucking them at the ground as hard as you can.

Get off the computer already and DO something about it.

He’s not worth it.

Make a paper bag puppet, or draw a face on your hand, pretend it’s me, make it say, “snozzberries.”

After you read this, go outside and yell, you WILL feel better.

When one door closes, just go to their window.

Stop. Right now. Think. If you’re still breathing, it’s not the end.

You must stop wearing pants, and move to the forest. It is the only way. Hurry.

You need more Humors in your brain. Go read Terry Pratchett!

You refuse to leave the house unless wearing pants that are in large garish neon colours.

You feed stray animals, as you believe they have magic joo joo.

No, using that amount of hair products down there will not give you a magic wand.

You are best described as a road sign: People notice you at first, but after a few looks, they see right past you.

Although you say you like them all, your favorite color is red and you loathe anyone wearing anything else.

Honestly with what I’ve discovered, you have just defied my inner “whatnots”. Good day sir.

You are living in your own, imaginary world. But that’s ok, they know you there.

You are suffering from ‘Grantmitchellitis’ you keep talking like a cockney but you sound like a cock.

You think you’re your own Grandma, but with better hair. Exposure to Epic Beard Man will help.

You believe that guacamole can only be eaten on Mondays.

You stalk your ex on google, twitter, facebook and the entire internet but won’t return his calls cause you’re so cool!

There is something to be said for a man that refuses to bathe on the day of an interview.

Your response to any ‘fight / flight’ situation is jazz hands and toothy smile.

After a misinterpreted talk with your parents, your only sexual partners have been the birds and bees.

You think your poop doesn’t stink, when in fact it does… very badly.

You preferred Ant and Dec when they were PJ and Duncan. You now can’t watch Saturday night TV in case your anger re-surfaces.

You feed LSD to the homeless. You’re not sure why, but you like it.

You have an on/off relationship with your knees, sometimes you just can’t look them in the face.

You think purple is a fruit.

You fear that Santa Claus has existed all along and the man in red wasn’t your father.

You are the last bearer of the mindfulness gene.

You’re on a boat.

You find absolute happiness in the act of brutally murdering your neighbors.

You are terrified of the possibility that Michael Jackson’s body will be reanimated during the great zombie uprising of 2034.

You feel like your friends only love you because you’re interesting and charming.

You have to sing Phil Collins’ ‘Easy Lover’ to yourself over, and over for 9 hours or a large man with a hammer with “get you”.

You have too many eye lashes. The maximum recommended eye lash count is seven. Please rectify.

You disappeared for six months. When you came back, you could speak ancient Gaelic, and had a Rolf Harris tattoo.

You’ve tried to start a topless Mexican wave at every funeral you’ve ever been to.

You insist on spell checking your speech.

You’re continually getting parking fines, even though you don’t own any form of transport.

You climax during the finale of Dude, Where’s My Car?.

That car you’re driving, its actually an Asian couple too polite to cause a fuss.

Soiling yourself in public is your preferred affront to polite society.

You are suffering from self grasping, a perception of a self where there is no inherent self.

You once ate your body weight in Pringles. Once you popped, you couldn’t stop, until you had to stop because you stomach popped.

You find relationships difficult to sustain as you whisper ‘sweet nothings’ through the medium of scream.

You parted ways with your sanity due to ‘creative differences’.

Your confidence as a man was shattered as your parents dressed you as a girl until you were 34.

Strangling kittens is not a good way to deal with your anger.

You found out that your neighbor that used to eat flies was infected with E-coli and died after you ate those “blueberry” muffins.

Your daddy’s favorite drinking game was called “hitting mommy”.

When you look at your self in the mirror, you sometimes see Hugh Laurie staring back at you.

You flush your fingernail clippings down the toilet in fear that someone will collect them and make a stash of your DNA material.

You pray to The Jonas Brothers at night.

You are convinced that other people can read your mind when you make eye contact.

Your favorite hobby consists of you getting as many restraining orders against you as possible.

You believe that Stephen Colbert is the Anti-Christ.

You should start a ceramic toad collection.

Whenever you smoke marijuana you roll around on your living room floor singing “Because” by The Beatles.

When you saw that Britney Spears had shaved her head, you thought she had cancer, so you shaved your head to show support.

You believe that B.O. is the fragrance of life.

Putting your Jack Russell Terrier in a Baby Bjorn and going to the post office does not count as a “family outing”.

You refuse to believe that Canada is a real country.

There is life outside of facebook.

It’s unfortunate that those 283 calls to Miss Cleo caused you to lose your house and alienated you from your family.

That’s nothing a glass of wine can’t fix.

No, 3 cat friends does not equal 1 human friend.

You won’t know if you’re really related to Benjamin Franklin until you find out.

You need to stop shopping at the Gap.

You know, you can go to bars without going home with a stranger.

You spend too much time following Martha Stewart on twitter.

When they told you not to take more than the recommended dose, they meant it.

You take the term “literally” too literally.

You don’t smile enough.

:)

You don’t get enough sleep. Throw away your alarm clock.

When you were a child your mother made you eat too many frozen corn dogs.

You’ve seen over 4 films, but they’re all Rocky 3.

You thought it was pretty odd when the voice in your head told you to shove 3 pine cones up your arse. But who were you to argue?

You fantasise about tying Gillian McKeith to your kitchen table and eating cream cakes in front of her.

You sometimes like to imagine how chaotic the world would be if we didn’t have knees.

You once asked your genitals out on a date (and they said yes! *thumbs up*)

You think creating an uber soldier by combining the body of a man with the head of a shark, is *just* crazy enough to work.

You eat baked beans one at a time.

You think the world needs more Ant & Dec.

You think playing Farmville on Facebook is a valid use of your time.

You’re jealous that your cat has more friends than you do.

You’re pretty sure your toaster is a cunningly disguised time machine. If only you could find the right button..

You can’t orgasm without looking at a picture of Jeff Goldblum.

You watch Nigella Lawson cooking shows just for the useful recipes.

You think Charles Manson was misunderstood.

You still take part in the school sports day egg & spoon race, despite being 37 (and naked).

You regularly get your penis stuck in the vacume cleaner (that means you’re doing it right!)

You think there really should be more movies featuring Eddie Murphy in a fat suit.

You are distrustful of Belgium.

You think Tom Cruise and his “thetans” might be onto something.

You’re sexually aroused by Admiral Ackbar.

You have in-depth discussions with god via telephone. Nobody has the heart to tell you you’re conversing with the talking clock.

Your only claim to fame is slapping Gordon Kaye repeatedly in the face and screaming “Why, Rene, why?”.

You thought ‘White Chicks’ was a documentary about the life of Winston Churchill… you did not do very well with your essay on WW2.

The only shape you see when you look at cloud formations is giant white penis.

You subconsciously stab your leg with a fork everytime your phone goes off.

You kill homeless people and wear their skin at dinner parties.

You have formed a questionable relationship with a local fox.

You choose not to shower because “that’s how they get you”.

You believe Teen Wolf was based on a true story.

You think the highest form of humour is quoting TV catch phrases.

You staple paperwork to your face to save desk space.

You dressed to work as Hitler the day your German shareholders visited.

You wash your face with nettles.

You’re convinced you are from the future and your time machine has run out of plutonium.

You strip naked everytime someone says your name.

You invented a drinking game to play whilst watching ‘Countdown’. Consonant = Drink / Vowel = breath
It made you severely unwell.

Last time you tried to use ‘The force’ everyone within a two mile radius got a nose bleed. You no longer try to use the force.

You’ve rang every estate agent in the phone-book to get a quote on a ‘one bedroom Richard Branson beard’.

You think a door is a “suggested” entrance. You normally gain access to a building by digging a hole near it.

You think Adolf Hitler, despite bad press actually had some pretty good ideas.

Your attempts at reconciliation with your children continually fail as you don’t have any.

You have only ever loved one person. That person was printed on a postage stamp.

You have not brushed your teeth since you discovered it was not mandatory.

You’re an evil genius. You watch Documentaries about Nazi occupation in Europe, and take notes. But point out their mistakes.

You Shout at clouds, and eat from bins. Not to mention you think ‘The Shining” is a comedy. You have – SimonCowelistous.

You have actually ‘had kittens’.

Your all-time favourite sexual fantasy involves Neil Kinnock and angry bees.

You blame James Cameron for the sinking of the Titanic.

You throw monkeys at shit.

Your parents left you in the boot of their car when they went shopping and never let you out.

You stole a tank and tried to invade Paris.

Your work mates refer to you as ‘shit mouth’ as you mistakenly introduced yourself by that name.

You believe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually ‘all right’.

You hear a whistling-noise inside your head, but only whilst whistling.

You believe The IT Crowd to be a humorous and well-written sitcom.

You can only find triple breasted women sexually appealing after watching Total Recall.

You like to be strung from washing-lines and beaten with snakes.

YOU ARE UNABLE TO TYPE IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN CAPITALS.

Your only conversational piece at dinner parties is how much you enjoy killing people.

You believe Paul McCartney has weapons of mass destruction and must be stopped at all costs.

You take your wine served from the anus of a Cricket.

You are courting a wasp.

You had breast implant surgery to look like John Goodman.

You were bitten by a radioactive spider and are oblivious to the fact that it gave you cancer.

You believe you are the bullet that killed JFK.

You keep 24 hour surveillance on Alan Shearer.

You are jealous of Llamas as you think they have the ability to time-travel.

Your father made you stand on top of a pylon until you ‘became a man’.

You believe you can communicate with sheep and that they are very, very angry.

Your most favourite thing in the whole world is genocide.

You were raised by ants.

You have an intense fear of clowns ever since one kidnapped you 16 years ago and made you eat his pony.

A skateboard accident left you without gums.

You can only perform sexually if dressed as Ronald McDonald.

You wet your childhood bed even though you’re now 38 and no longer live at home.

Your mother breast fed you glass.

That small vole you keep hidden inside the ‘magic box’ will never turn into Sadie Frost. So best give up and set it free.

You believe everyone can communicate to God, you just need to shout loud enough.

You once made a compilation for a potential partner consisting only of flatulence.

You’re a strong believer that children should be eaten and not heard.

As a child, you fell down a well and was subsequently attacked by startled bats.

Your favourite band is the Backstreet Boys.

Your idea of relaxation is a cool Ak-47 placed in mouth.

You lost faith in humanity when fellow pupils nailed your favourite teacher to your locker.

Your favourite super-hero is Joseph Stalin.

Both of your parents refer to you as ‘Dad’.

While returning home from a night with friends, you were viciously attacked by Gloria Hunniford.

You are unable to indicate at junctions because you drive a BMW.

Your first sexual experience was with Joe Pesci.

Though so far unsuccessful, you consistently attempt to lay eggs.

You blame everything you’ve ever done wrong on David Bowie’s performance in Labyrinth.

You pronounce the word ‘think’ with a quack.

You have burgled your own home.

You give children stones that are wrapped in Kinder Surpise foil and refuse to the leave them alone until they’ve eaten them.

You believe sex with dogs is acceptable as long as they give full consent.

You believe Robert De Niro and Al Pacino have been in plenty of fine movies since Heat.

You can see dead people, before they have died.

You take great pride in the number of times you have been slapped by a chimp.

You believe Jennifer Lopez is a real person.

You do your full shop at Marks & Spencer.

You will only refer to your parents as ‘Beebop’ and ‘Rocksteady’.

You believe that aliens in collaboration with the U.S. Government had your little sister kidnapped.

You believe one shoe to be more than enough.

You find that kicking dogs is not only exhilarating, but also essential to the survival of mankind.

Believe the Ice-Cream Man’s jingle to be some kind of code.

You know every word of ‘Jenny From The Block’.

You did not live past 6 months.