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12606 diagnoses
so far

After studying your brain mess completely professionally and 100% accurately, our team of highly-amazing psychiatrists can now give it to you straight.

Displaying the latest 200 of 12606 incredibly insightful diagnoses.

Your Diagnoses:

You CAN believe it’s not butter and now think the government is coming to silence you to cover up their experiments.

Diagnosed by Dr. Andrew Volpe

You have an unwillingness to accept change. Remedy this by asking for notes only.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kingsley Kingston Esq

You believe that too much irony causes hemochromatosis.

Diagnosed by Dr. Daniel Castro

My diagnosis: Smoke weed everyday.

Diagnosed by Dr. Jacob Moses

You can’t stop thinking about the time you brutally murdered your secretary, you are now a paranoid schizophrenic.

Diagnosed by Dr. Mason Thomas

You believe that you were birthed by a large cat.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kiki Cougar

I can’t render a diagnosis; you’re pathetic and wrong.

Diagnosed by Dr. Dirk Metcalfe

Your lack of self-worth stems from your parents naming you ‘thingy’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You have nothing to fear except fear itself, and spiders.

Diagnosed by Dr. Becky

The big toe on your right foot makes you feel uneasy, you should severe it.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kieran Don

You ride an elephantostrich one hour a day for a week. And also drink a glass of kangacow milk every day.

Diagnosed by Dr. nicole

Pee on something your significant other loves. It works to make my cat feel better.

Diagnosed by Dr. michelle

You live in constant fear of choking on lightbulbs.

Diagnosed by Dr. Fritz Snackenpfefferhausen

Aortic Sparrows.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kevin

Your heart appears to be suffering from Brady-Bunch-cardia.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kevin

I’m afraid you’ve got a severe case of Basketball Jones.

Diagnosed by Dr. Kevin

This… is not a problem. WORLD HUNGER, is a problem.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

Go get a bunch of ice cubes and start chucking them at the ground as hard as you can.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

Get off the computer already and DO something about it.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

He’s not worth it.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

Make a paper bag puppet, or draw a face on your hand, pretend it’s me, make it say, “snozzberries.”

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

After you read this, go outside and yell, you WILL feel better.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

When one door closes, just go to their window.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

Stop. Right now. Think. If you’re still breathing, it’s not the end.

Diagnosed by Dr. christina krasowski

You must stop wearing pants, and move to the forest. It is the only way. Hurry.

Diagnosed by Dr. Castilleja Kuzis

You need more Humors in your brain. Go read Terry Pratchett!

Diagnosed by Dr. Yachabus Kenanon

You refuse to leave the house unless wearing pants that are in large garish neon colours.

Diagnosed by Dr. Azim Lardbutt

You feed stray animals, as you believe they have magic joo joo.

Diagnosed by Dr. Azim Lardbutt

No, using that amount of hair products down there will not give you a magic wand.

Diagnosed by Dr. Azim Lardbutt

You are best described as a road sign: People notice you at first, but after a few looks, they see right past you.

Diagnosed by Dr. Nathan Frederick

Although you say you like them all, your favorite color is red and you loathe anyone wearing anything else.

Diagnosed by Dr. Nathan Frederick

Honestly with what I’ve discovered, you have just defied my inner “whatnots”. Good day sir.

Diagnosed by Dr. Tuscany

You are living in your own, imaginary world. But that’s ok, they know you there.

Diagnosed by Dr. Michael

You are suffering from ‘Grantmitchellitis’ you keep talking like a cockney but you sound like a cock.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Parker

You think you’re your own Grandma, but with better hair. Exposure to Epic Beard Man will help.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Parker

You believe that guacamole can only be eaten on Mondays.

Diagnosed by Dr. Janelle Gray

You stalk your ex on google, twitter, facebook and the entire internet but won’t return his calls cause you’re so cool!

Diagnosed by Dr. Angeles Cagigal

There is something to be said for a man that refuses to bathe on the day of an interview.

Diagnosed by Dr. Brutal Alien

Your response to any ‘fight / flight’ situation is jazz hands and toothy smile.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

After a misinterpreted talk with your parents, your only sexual partners have been the birds and bees.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You think your poop doesn’t stink, when in fact it does… very badly.

Diagnosed by Dr. Miguel Malcolm

You preferred Ant and Dec when they were PJ and Duncan. You now can’t watch Saturday night TV in case your anger re-surfaces.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stevie Godden

You feed LSD to the homeless. You’re not sure why, but you like it.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stevie Godden

You have an on/off relationship with your knees, sometimes you just can’t look them in the face.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stevie Godden

You think purple is a fruit.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stevie Godden

You fear that Santa Claus has existed all along and the man in red wasn’t your father.

Diagnosed by Dr. RJ

You are the last bearer of the mindfulness gene.

Diagnosed by Dr. Andreas Patchenko

You’re on a boat.

Diagnosed by Dr. Alexandra Gargano

You find absolute happiness in the act of brutally murdering your neighbors.

Diagnosed by Dr. Emelia Stadfield

You are terrified of the possibility that Michael Jackson’s body will be reanimated during the great zombie uprising of 2034.

Diagnosed by Dr. Quinn T. Faerber

You feel like your friends only love you because you’re interesting and charming.

Diagnosed by Dr. RJ

You have to sing Phil Collins’ ‘Easy Lover’ to yourself over, and over for 9 hours or a large man with a hammer with “get you”.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You have too many eye lashes. The maximum recommended eye lash count is seven. Please rectify.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You disappeared for six months. When you came back, you could speak ancient Gaelic, and had a Rolf Harris tattoo.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You’ve tried to start a topless Mexican wave at every funeral you’ve ever been to.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You insist on spell checking your speech.

Diagnosed by Dr. David Churchill

You’re continually getting parking fines, even though you don’t own any form of transport.

Diagnosed by Dr. David Churchill

You climax during the finale of Dude, Where’s My Car?.

Diagnosed by Dr. David Churchill

That car you’re driving, its actually an Asian couple too polite to cause a fuss.

Diagnosed by Dr. David Churchill

Soiling yourself in public is your preferred affront to polite society.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You are suffering from self grasping, a perception of a self where there is no inherent self.

Diagnosed by Dr. Dom Briggs

You once ate your body weight in Pringles. Once you popped, you couldn’t stop, until you had to stop because you stomach popped.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You find relationships difficult to sustain as you whisper ‘sweet nothings’ through the medium of scream.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You parted ways with your sanity due to ‘creative differences’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your confidence as a man was shattered as your parents dressed you as a girl until you were 34.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Strangling kittens is not a good way to deal with your anger.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You found out that your neighbor that used to eat flies was infected with E-coli and died after you ate those “blueberry” muffins.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

Your daddy’s favorite drinking game was called “hitting mommy”.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

When you look at your self in the mirror, you sometimes see Hugh Laurie staring back at you.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You flush your fingernail clippings down the toilet in fear that someone will collect them and make a stash of your DNA material.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You pray to The Jonas Brothers at night.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You are convinced that other people can read your mind when you make eye contact.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

Your favorite hobby consists of you getting as many restraining orders against you as possible.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You believe that Stephen Colbert is the Anti-Christ.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You should start a ceramic toad collection.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

Whenever you smoke marijuana you roll around on your living room floor singing “Because” by The Beatles.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

When you saw that Britney Spears had shaved her head, you thought she had cancer, so you shaved your head to show support.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You believe that B.O. is the fragrance of life.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

Putting your Jack Russell Terrier in a Baby Bjorn and going to the post office does not count as a “family outing”.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You refuse to believe that Canada is a real country.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

There is life outside of facebook.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

It’s unfortunate that those 283 calls to Miss Cleo caused you to lose your house and alienated you from your family.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

That’s nothing a glass of wine can’t fix.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

No, 3 cat friends does not equal 1 human friend.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You won’t know if you’re really related to Benjamin Franklin until you find out.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You need to stop shopping at the Gap.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You know, you can go to bars without going home with a stranger.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You spend too much time following Martha Stewart on twitter.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

When they told you not to take more than the recommended dose, they meant it.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You take the term “literally” too literally.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You don’t smile enough.

:)

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You don’t get enough sleep. Throw away your alarm clock.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

When you were a child your mother made you eat too many frozen corn dogs.

Diagnosed by Dr. Sarah Ketner

You’ve seen over 4 films, but they’re all Rocky 3.

Diagnosed by Dr. David Churchill

You thought it was pretty odd when the voice in your head told you to shove 3 pine cones up your arse. But who were you to argue?

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You fantasise about tying Gillian McKeith to your kitchen table and eating cream cakes in front of her.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You sometimes like to imagine how chaotic the world would be if we didn’t have knees.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You once asked your genitals out on a date (and they said yes! *thumbs up*)

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think creating an uber soldier by combining the body of a man with the head of a shark, is *just* crazy enough to work.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You eat baked beans one at a time.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think the world needs more Ant & Dec.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think playing Farmville on Facebook is a valid use of your time.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You’re jealous that your cat has more friends than you do.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You’re pretty sure your toaster is a cunningly disguised time machine. If only you could find the right button..

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You can’t orgasm without looking at a picture of Jeff Goldblum.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You watch Nigella Lawson cooking shows just for the useful recipes.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think Charles Manson was misunderstood.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You still take part in the school sports day egg & spoon race, despite being 37 (and naked).

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You regularly get your penis stuck in the vacume cleaner (that means you’re doing it right!)

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think there really should be more movies featuring Eddie Murphy in a fat suit.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You are distrustful of Belgium.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You think Tom Cruise and his “thetans” might be onto something.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You’re sexually aroused by Admiral Ackbar.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

You have in-depth discussions with god via telephone. Nobody has the heart to tell you you’re conversing with the talking clock.

Diagnosed by Dr. Cathy Holmes

Your only claim to fame is slapping Gordon Kaye repeatedly in the face and screaming “Why, Rene, why?”.

Diagnosed by Dr. Martin

You thought ‘White Chicks’ was a documentary about the life of Winston Churchill… you did not do very well with your essay on WW2.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

The only shape you see when you look at cloud formations is giant white penis.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You subconsciously stab your leg with a fork everytime your phone goes off.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You kill homeless people and wear their skin at dinner parties.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You have formed a questionable relationship with a local fox.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You choose not to shower because “that’s how they get you”.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You believe Teen Wolf was based on a true story.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You think the highest form of humour is quoting TV catch phrases.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You staple paperwork to your face to save desk space.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You dressed to work as Hitler the day your German shareholders visited.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You wash your face with nettles.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You’re convinced you are from the future and your time machine has run out of plutonium.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You strip naked everytime someone says your name.

Diagnosed by Dr. Robbie Douglas

You invented a drinking game to play whilst watching ‘Countdown’. Consonant = Drink / Vowel = breath
It made you severely unwell.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

Last time you tried to use ‘The force’ everyone within a two mile radius got a nose bleed. You no longer try to use the force.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You’ve rang every estate agent in the phone-book to get a quote on a ‘one bedroom Richard Branson beard’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You think a door is a “suggested” entrance. You normally gain access to a building by digging a hole near it.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You think Adolf Hitler, despite bad press actually had some pretty good ideas.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

Your attempts at reconciliation with your children continually fail as you don’t have any.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You have only ever loved one person. That person was printed on a postage stamp.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You have not brushed your teeth since you discovered it was not mandatory.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You’re an evil genius. You watch Documentaries about Nazi occupation in Europe, and take notes. But point out their mistakes.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You Shout at clouds, and eat from bins. Not to mention you think ‘The Shining” is a comedy. You have – SimonCowelistous.

Diagnosed by Dr. Philip Mitchell

You have actually ‘had kittens’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your all-time favourite sexual fantasy involves Neil Kinnock and angry bees.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You blame James Cameron for the sinking of the Titanic.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You throw monkeys at shit.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your parents left you in the boot of their car when they went shopping and never let you out.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You stole a tank and tried to invade Paris.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your work mates refer to you as ‘shit mouth’ as you mistakenly introduced yourself by that name.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually ‘all right’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You hear a whistling-noise inside your head, but only whilst whistling.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe The IT Crowd to be a humorous and well-written sitcom.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You can only find triple breasted women sexually appealing after watching Total Recall.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You like to be strung from washing-lines and beaten with snakes.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

YOU ARE UNABLE TO TYPE IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN CAPITALS.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your only conversational piece at dinner parties is how much you enjoy killing people.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe Paul McCartney has weapons of mass destruction and must be stopped at all costs.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You take your wine served from the anus of a Cricket.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You are courting a wasp.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You had breast implant surgery to look like John Goodman.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You were bitten by a radioactive spider and are oblivious to the fact that it gave you cancer.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe you are the bullet that killed JFK.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You keep 24 hour surveillance on Alan Shearer.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You are jealous of Llamas as you think they have the ability to time-travel.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your father made you stand on top of a pylon until you ‘became a man’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe you can communicate with sheep and that they are very, very angry.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your most favourite thing in the whole world is genocide.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You were raised by ants.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You have an intense fear of clowns ever since one kidnapped you 16 years ago and made you eat his pony.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

A skateboard accident left you without gums.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You can only perform sexually if dressed as Ronald McDonald.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You wet your childhood bed even though you’re now 38 and no longer live at home.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your mother breast fed you glass.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

That small vole you keep hidden inside the ‘magic box’ will never turn into Sadie Frost. So best give up and set it free.

Diagnosed by Dr. Martin

You believe everyone can communicate to God, you just need to shout loud enough.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You once made a compilation for a potential partner consisting only of flatulence.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You’re a strong believer that children should be eaten and not heard.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

As a child, you fell down a well and was subsequently attacked by startled bats.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your favourite band is the Backstreet Boys.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your idea of relaxation is a cool Ak-47 placed in mouth.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You lost faith in humanity when fellow pupils nailed your favourite teacher to your locker.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your favourite super-hero is Joseph Stalin.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Both of your parents refer to you as ‘Dad’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

While returning home from a night with friends, you were viciously attacked by Gloria Hunniford.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You are unable to indicate at junctions because you drive a BMW.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Your first sexual experience was with Joe Pesci.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Though so far unsuccessful, you consistently attempt to lay eggs.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You blame everything you’ve ever done wrong on David Bowie’s performance in Labyrinth.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You pronounce the word ‘think’ with a quack.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You have burgled your own home.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You give children stones that are wrapped in Kinder Surpise foil and refuse to the leave them alone until they’ve eaten them.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe sex with dogs is acceptable as long as they give full consent.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe Robert De Niro and Al Pacino have been in plenty of fine movies since Heat.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You can see dead people, before they have died.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You take great pride in the number of times you have been slapped by a chimp.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe Jennifer Lopez is a real person.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You do your full shop at Marks & Spencer.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You will only refer to your parents as ‘Beebop’ and ‘Rocksteady’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe that aliens in collaboration with the U.S. Government had your little sister kidnapped.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You believe one shoe to be more than enough.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You find that kicking dogs is not only exhilarating, but also essential to the survival of mankind.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

Believe the Ice-Cream Man’s jingle to be some kind of code.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You know every word of ‘Jenny From The Block’.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks

You did not live past 6 months.

Diagnosed by Dr. Stephen Fairbanks